One of the parenting choices we made, and it’s not like we had a discussion about it, it just happened. We never said, “Clean your room.” Not even, “Make your bed.”
I have heard of parents saying things to their kids like, “Go clean your room,” or, “Make your bed.” I don’t get that. Why? I get the sense that it’s one of those things people say because they’ve heard it on TV, or something, and they think that’s what you’re supposed to do as parents.
When they were toddlers we would teach them how to put their toys and clothes and things away. But as they grew older we didn’t do that anymore.
To us it was like, That’s your room, it’s your space. You can keep it the way you want. A lot of people go for the My house, My rules concept, but to me, that didn’t work. That means that a kid doesn’t have the right to their own space that is theirs until…they move out? Nah, I think everybody needs a place that is their own, that is private, where they have their things the way they want them. It’s a safe place that they can go to and feel free. Relaxed. It’s about having Boundaries. A kid has so little control over anything in their life, and everybody needs that feeling of being in control. So we allowed them to have control over their space. If they’re sharing a room, then each kid has their space within the room to have control over. I’m not gonna go in and touch your stuff. I’m not gonna look through your stuff, I’m not gonna throw your stuff out, or give it away.
Why should I care if their bed is made? I don’t have to sleep in it. I would ask for their sheets so I could wash them, and help put new ones back on if they needed help, til they were old enough to do it themselves. But I don’t give a shit if they don’t make their bed, what’s even the point of that? If it’s time to vacuum, we’d suggest they pick stuff up off the floor. If they didn’t pick stuff up, we’d vacuum around it, I’ll catch that spot next time. And when they got old enough to have vacuuming as a chore, they would say the same thing to each other.
I wonder if people think this is how you teach them to keep their space clean? But you know what? Here’s the magic: I never had to tell them to clean their room. They would take it upon themselves to say, “Hey, I don’t like the way my room is feeling right now, so I’m gonna clean it,” and they did. And they’d come and say to us, “I cleaned my room, come and see it!” and they would proudly show off their work. They learned how they liked their space to be, and then they moved out and already knew how they liked their homes to be, and keep them that way. I suppose they learned by example, by seeing the way we kept the rest of the home. And certainly the common area needs to be tidied to our liking. If they’d set up the trains in a really cool layout I’d let them keep it that way for a couple of days, and then I’d say, “Ok, time to clean this up,” and they would. I dunno, something about mutual respect or something.